I have been volunteering intensively for a shelter that will remain nameless.

I'm not sure what my role is there, exactly. I make of it what I want it to be and in that my role is an extension of my mood and energy. I feel good giving love to the surroundings of those who are so overwhelmed by the immediacy of their concerns that they don't worry much about they way in which they leave things. I'm sure on some level I lighten their burden but I do so in pretty innocuous ways. Smiling my hellos and meaning it. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning...to give them and myself pride in our surroundings. Organizing that which needs to be maintained on a regular basis. I think perhaps I play a more integral role with the staff. Their stress is abated by my desire to expend time and energy their stead, so that they can concentrate more fully on imparting hope and mindfulness in the the thoughts and prayers of the clients.

Not all of these people are good it seems. Perhaps they don't have the luxury of hiding their vices. No one person is all good, I feel. We are all manifestation of our abilities and circumstances, they scales balance them as less fortunate than some. And they are a marginalized lot. The angler who knows how to shine at your face and hustle your heart strings. The steam pot Dad that can't get a handle on his own emotions to keep from releasing his pressure valve onto his own children. The wearied and overburdened young mother who fell for a lecherous bum or simply had sex to early to deal with true reprocussions of reproducing. And the children; emotional conduits for their families pain. They swing from hopeful to despondent to energetic to anxious in turns. I, the observer, am invested in the ability of these human beings to churn forth good from bad. I have a magnified lense of hope for them, as much of them as they'll allow me to know. My care is careful. I can easily imagine what it would mean to feel them fall back into the crack they came from. That thought is too tangible to truly contemplate. I need to love them and keep enough of myself separate that I can continue to shine my good will through my heart and into their own.

I wonder where this will take me, this good feeling. The feeling of community, selflessness and inclusion. I thrive when it spins around me and am fostered by it's need of me. That is my role. To fill need. To find needs unspoken and fill them. I do not wish to play at subservience. I make myself useful and take note of how this beast operates from the inside out. This volunteer program will be over shortly and I feel like I need to hone my abilities in this direction for awhile, sharpen my tools. I wish to fill a more integral need and battle this wave of hopelessness with a sharper mind.

The people, the people who care to work for and within the thin buffer between inhumane and humanity are amazingly persistent. Amazingly hopeful. They resurrect themselves for others on a regular basis. Cheers to all of us who care to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. I am no ordinary ant.