Quiet and wet, my Saturday morning woke me up with diffused light. It's unassuming that light. It begs you to make of it whatever kind of day you will and I just want to stare at it. I just want to stare at it and not decided.

I just experienced yesterday my first burble of real fun since...? I know this was real because it happened alongside my sister, she and I don't put faces on and pretend to feel anything when we're together. Just feel. It has been awhile, too long, since I've walked without a shadow of some worry or another. I was sketching out some perverse body painting concept. Ahh perversity. Like a warm blanket.

I take myself too seriously my horoscope said. Fuck horoscopes, cosmic dictation is such a self- fulfilling prophecy. Even if it rings true, don't taint the pools of your possibility with anything preordained. Sham, sham, sham. And yet I do take myself too seriously. I can't remember the last time I had fun with just myself. Music, piano, composing...that gets close. I'm such a social creature, I find. Too much a social creature, I find. And yet I don't feel as though I translate very well the mapping of my inner thoughts. Perhaps that is the problem. I run under the assumption that mapping needs to happen at all. Plenty of people bumble about as they are, running into walls and making beautiful rainbows of themselves without a thought towards explanation. I've been in that zone before, not unrecently. But now I've thrown everything up into the air, of my own volition, which is causing me to reality check some deeply rooted perspectives I've been holding.

As I'm walking down a lot of sidewalks recently, I realize that people are usually too preoccupied to make a connection outside themselves, like smile with their eyes. Or they are connecting so big with someone right in front of them that "others" become a back drop to their very busy spinning wheel. Then there are those that look around a little hungry for a connect to happen, placing themselves in an environment ripe with the possibility of interaction. Those are the people that live in coffee shops. I visit the coffee shops from time to time, more frequently than I used to and watch these people with their hungry hearts. My heartspace is a little too detached to completely identify with this wolfish crowd but I welcome if not look for those connections. I'm not hungry for just anything though. I'm hunting for something elusive. People that take you by surprise by how much they exude themselves. There so unconscious of it, that's beautiful. So busy and in love with their living, spinning their planet so fast they suck others into their orbit. They are not hungry, they are full or drunk. But it makes sense that the hungry gravitate toward the full. I thought I was full before but I was just overcompensating for an unacknowledged empty, a different empty. And now I fill up space with as many interesting and satisfying obligations I can stuff into a day. I go to sleep exhausted but not full and I wonder what it is that I am hungry for. I am dining on distractions.

And then there are the laptop people. Ahh the laptop people, who knows what they are doing. But they are lined up in neat little rows at these coffee shops not talking to the people around them with whom they are enjoying their lattes. Maybe they are online chatting or playing solitaire. Hilarious! Oh how irony can strike a room full of quiet people. Perhaps they are working. They could be working at home but they want to be near others while doing their work even if by being near others they are rubbing the surface tension of their bubbles alongside other bubbles. I wonder when they tried to connect through their bubbles if there would be a discernable, pop! This phenomenon is freakish to me. And they are so unaware of their plugs.

Right now, I only answer to myself. Although my wires feel crossed as I look around to explain my actions, when I don't even want to, to anyone who'll listen. Bad habit, explaining yourself. Let alone explaining to just anyone who'll listen for the sake of excercising my bad habit. That's what crazy people do... on the bus. I either need to break the habit before I turn into a "crazy people," or just accept that I'm in my crazy space. I never thought that being crazy was unsettling to those that are crazy. It's much better to be than struggle with the why's right now. Just be.